I simply love this doctor...

Q:   Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A:   Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...  don't waste them   on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not   make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by   d riving it faster. Want to live longer?  Take a  nap.  

Q:   Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A:   You must grasp logistical efficiencies.  What does a cow eat?  Hay and corn.  And what are these?  Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.   Need grain?   Eat chicken.  Beef is also a good source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable).  And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q:   Should I reduce my alcohol intake?  

A:   No, not at all.  Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that   means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of   the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.  Bottoms up!

Q:  How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?

A:   Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.   If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q:   What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A:   Can't think of a single one, sorry.  My philosophy is: No pain...Good!

Q:  Aren't fried foods bad for you?  

A:  YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ......  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil.  In fact, they're permeated in it.  How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?  

Q:  Will sit-ups  help prevent me from getting a little soft  around   

         the middle?

A:   Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.  

         You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger   stomach.

Q:   Is chocolate bad for me?  

A:   Are  you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!!  

         It's the best feel-good  food around!

Q:   Is  swimming good for your figure?  

A:   If  swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to  me.

Q:   Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?  

A:   Hey!  'Round' is a shape!  

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may    

 have had about  food   and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of   

 arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather   

 to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the  

 other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and   screaming ' 

 WOO HOO, What a Ride’
   
And...

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on  

 nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those  

 conflicting nutritional studies.  

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and  suffer fewer heart attacks than  Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.  

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages  

 and  fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.